Psychologist's advice on how to live with an alcoholic
Women who have connected their lives with alcoholics often ask a psychologist for advice. They do not know how to continue to live with a drunkard. They are constantly forced to defend themselves, to live in a state of war. In order to ensure your mental and physical security, take care of yourself and your children, it is better to radically change your life, that is, not to suffer and live with an alcoholic, but to leave him. Why do psychologists give such seemingly inhuman advice? To save both the woman herself and her children from hopelessness and problems in the future.
Living with an alcoholic is not easy.
Consequences for children
Children who live in a family where one of the parents is an alcoholic rarely become happy. Therefore, the main advice of a psychologist is to break off relations before it is too late. I would like to reassure parents, to say that this is not so (although there are exceptions), but more often the scenario repeats itself.
In the family, the child learns to build relationships with the opposite sex.
These behavioral responses are absorbed at a subconscious level. Having matured, the child would not want to behave in this way, but he cannot, because such a model of behavior has developed in him in early childhood. What is most terrible, the child is sure that such relationships in the family are the norm. Alcoholism is not contagious in a physiological sense, but psychologically yes.
- The son becomes an alcoholic. Watching the behavior of the father, the son thinks that drinking is normal. He sees that he easily evades responsibility, does not solve all the problems that arise. But, despite this, the family does not break up. There is a special stereotype of behavior. If a grown child is faced with a difficult situation, he finds, according to the psychologist, one way out - to drink.
- Daughter marries an alcoholic. A girl from childhood sees the relationship between her mother and father and already knows how to react to drunkenness, how a woman should behave in this situation. Often, in a family where there is an alcoholic, the child grows up in a state of anxiety. He is afraid of his father, worries about his mother. To reduce the anxiety that arose in the parental family, the girl chooses for herself a husband whose behavior is predictable for her, that is, according to the psychologist, an alcoholic.
Children who live in a family where one of the parents is an alcoholic rarely become happy
Therefore, parents who love their children can only be given such advice: "You should not live with an alcoholic." In this case, there are two options. Either get a divorce, or cure a person. In the second case, the help of a psychologist, his advice will be needed not only for an alcoholic, but also for his relatives, because. codependence occurs.
A woman who can live with an alcoholic for many years, imperceptibly changes herself, and not for the better. Because of her constant feelings of guilt, fear, helplessness, distrust of people, symptoms of a mental disorder appear - codependence.
signs
How does it manifest itself?
- A woman takes care of and controls the action of an alcoholic.
- The codependent ceases to control her destiny, to ignore personal needs.
- She has low self-esteem, haunted by guilt.
- There is depression, suicidal thoughts, tearfulness.
- It is difficult for her to communicate with other people.
- No desire to take care of yourself.
Why you need to treat codependency
A woman is in constant tension, feels powerless in front of a problem and suffers because she cannot solve it. All this leads her either to the development of psychiatric diseases, or to other health problems, which will be impossible to restore. To calm her down, you will have to ask for help from a psychologist.
Codependency - mental disorders in a woman who has lived with an alcoholic for many years
But codependency is harmful both for the wife of an alcoholic and for himself. The drunkard is tolerated, he is courted, so he has no desire to change. But there is another side. The woman is already accustomed to enduring a drunken relative, she needs to take care of him, save him. But suddenly he decided not to drink. A codependent in life immediately appears emptiness.
Subconsciously, she tries to regain the role of the victim, so she makes the situation in the house unbearable. As soon as life has returned to its previous course, it again shows its strength and power.
Therefore, in such a situation, it will be impossible for a person to get rid of alcohol dependence. The main advice of a psychologist in this situation is to get rid of codependency if you decide to live with an alcoholic.
This can be done with the help of a psychologist who will not only give advice, but also work on family relationships. Often, co-dependent women feel like victims, and later "recoup" for their fate on other people, including children. Without the study of a psychologist, getting rid of this flaw will not work.
You should only talk to a sober person
How to communicate with an alcoholic
If a woman nevertheless, despite the advice of a psychologist, decided to live with a drinking person, how to behave with an alcoholic? A lot of interesting things can be learned from the book of the psychotherapist E.V. Emelyanova, which is called "How to deal with a drunken husband." In it you can read practical advice addressed to women.
What is the main mistake of women? Having drunk, the man becomes aggressive. It seems natural that you first need to calm him down, talk to him in a calm voice, without irritation or hysteria. But the wife, seeing that her husband is drunk, scandals, screams, thereby provoking her husband to assault. The guilt of the man does not become less because of this, but nevertheless the wife should have behaved differently: try to calm him down.
In this state, a man cannot control himself, and yelling at him is pouring oil on the fire. And the result will be zero, because the man will not remember her words. But even if he hears and understands everything, it is useless to talk to him in such a tone, because this will be another reason to get drunk, to forget about his unsuccessful life.
You should only talk to a sober person. But do not reproach him, but try to convey what alcohol can lead to, about its effect on a man, that he will easily lose his family this way. If a person decides to stop drinking, do not self-medicate, but contact a competent specialist. With the help of a psychologist, you will find out why the man began to drink, and how to help him.
Another important point is the distribution of responsibilities. A woman should not "drag" the whole family on her. She must understand that the current situation is beneficial to her husband, because he does not need to do anything. He himself is unlikely to want to shoulder the burden of responsibility, therefore it is the woman’s task to distribute responsibility.
Living with an alcoholic is not easy, but you have to bear this cross. Sometimes people really change, and a loved one can change their minds, take up their minds.