Why men don't want to get married. Why doesn't he want to get married? What to do if the guy doesn't marry

Yesterday you celebrated another anniversary of your acquaintance. There were flowers, and dinner, and all the gifts expected in honor of a significant event. But this time, disturbing notes slipped into the fun - your thoughts: why does time pass, but the man you love still doesn’t want to propose? Everywhere you look, everyone is getting married: mutual friends who met a year ago at your home sent an invitation to the wedding; childhood friend after three months of dating her boyfriend. And only nothing changes for you: the man is affectionate and gentle, but he is in no hurry to propose. It looks like you are no longer satisfied with this. But what to do, how to understand who or what is wrong, why a man doesn’t want to get married?

From this article you will learn:

Why today many men do not want to get married

What are the most common reasons for men's reluctance to get married?

Why men don't want to get married after divorce

Why rich men don't want to marry for love

Why in modern society many men do not want to get married

It must be said that not every man himself will immediately answer such a question - simply because he does not know the answer. In general, his consciousness is in some confusion. Genetic memory helpfully reminds us of those times when a man hunted mammoths and carried the prey home, where a powerless woman greeted him with admiration and respect. But today the role of women in society has become different. By earning on an equal basis with men and making a career in traditional “male” industries, a woman can afford to choose who she wants to build a family with.

The new status dictates completely different behavior: an independent woman can be both domineering and tough. Today, a generation of men has grown up who were raised in such families, whose masculinity was suppressed by a strict mother. It is these men who subsequently do not want to get married. After all, this means that you will have to shoulder the enormous responsibility of creating and maintaining your family.

At the same time, the masculine principle inherent in nature makes itself felt. And a contradiction is gradually brewing in a man: on the one hand, he is accustomed to obeying a dominant woman, on the other hand, the alpha male dormant within him periodically raises his head and begins to rebel. And this rebellion often manifests itself in a reluctance to get married - after all, this is what a woman wants.

10 most common reasons why men don't want to get married

It would be very simple if all the reasons explaining a man’s reluctance to marry lay on the surface. If a young forty-year-old bachelor cheerfully admits that he does not want a serious relationship, since he is not yet mature for a family and children, then one should only be glad that he had the conscience to admit this and not fool the girls’ heads. But there are also other specimens who start serious relationships, at the same time arrange their life quite well, but are in no hurry to get married, which upsets the women living with them. There may be different reasons here.

Negative experiences of parents

Alas, a complete family does not always give a child a chance to grow up in normal conditions for development. Parental quarrels, scandals, or, even worse, fights firmly establish in the future boy a pattern of behavior in his own family or convince him that it is better not to get married - all problems are just beginning in marriage. The opposite situation is that a boy is brought up in a single-parent family, where his mother and grandmother overprotect him, feeding him with their unrequited love. A young man who grew up in such an environment has no need to get married, because he already has a family.

The woman you love has a chance only if she accepts the same model of relationships. It often happens that the mother, unable to cope with her upbringing, periodically reminds the boy of the “goat daddy,” whose traits he inherited. Years later, this approach bears fruit - he really grows up like that. So, if you want to know the reason for not wanting to get married, pay attention to the man’s family.

Previous failed marriage

The reason why a man doesn't want to get married can be directly related to his past bad relationship experiences. Not all representatives of the stronger sex get divorced easily and get married with the same ease. For many, family life and subsequent separation become such a difficult test that they simply do not want to enter the same river again. However, sooner or later, nature takes its toll, and men still enter into new relationships. But the very thought of marriage terrifies them, and when a woman, for obvious reasons, begins to insist on filing an application with the registry office, such men often simply break off the relationship.

The habit of being single

Some men honestly admit that being single is very convenient. Indeed, a free lifestyle, not particularly constrained by anyone or anything, is addictive. If a bachelor also has his own apartment, the chances of forcing him to marry if he doesn’t want it are slim. And the point is not even that there is a certain interest on the part of many women in such valuable personnel, especially residents of megacities. The main thing is that he feels like a master in his territory and can manage his time as he wants. The same applies to everyday life - an adult can wash, iron and clean himself; after all, your favorite socks will lie in the middle of the room for a week, nothing will happen to them!

Desire for variety in relationships

You have to look at things realistically - the running of the biological clock usually makes only the woman nervous. Most men are much more careless in these matters and do not want to get married. Considering themselves a wonderful match at any age, they look for a relationship again and again, expecting each time that now everything will definitely be different. It can be interesting to spend time with such men, but you shouldn’t expect more from them, this is not their strong point. Moreover, today a woman is free in her choice: if you don’t want a ladies’ man flitting through life, look for a man who is normal for the family!

Reluctance to take responsibility

Infantility and selfishness are another reason explaining why a man does not want to get married. And many modern men know everything about gender equality and the fact that a woman can earn today on an equal basis with them, or even more. That’s why they really don’t like hints about whether they are ready to support a family. Why is it necessary to get married if a weak woman is quite capable of feeding herself, and at the same time a man too? True, the threat of a maternity leave may well loom, and then, like it or not, there will be more sleepless nights. Just this thought immediately spoils the mood of selfish people, and they categorically refuse to get married. It’s also good if they warn you about this right away, and don’t drag it out until the last minute.

Not strong enough feelings

Perhaps it is better to deal with this reason first by having an open conversation with your man. If you love a person and want to build your life with him, then you have every right to find out what he really wants from you, whether he plans to marry. Because we are all different, but a lot can be achieved in a relationship if there is love. But when a year or two passes, and the situation in your life does not want to change, think about why this is happening. Maybe, living with you, a man still hopes for a “better” option, and that’s why he’s in no hurry to get married? Then show respect for yourself - break up, don’t beg for love.

Desire to create a foundation for marriage

Do you know in what conditions your man grew up? Maybe it was a communal apartment with all the “delights” of communicating with neighbors? Or an apartment without amenities in an old house? Then, perhaps, his reluctance to get married is understandable until he has created a reliable base in the form of his own home and financial stability. But it’s not enough to want; is your loved one doing anything to make what he wants come true? If everything is limited to daydreaming in front of the TV and assurances that he will marry you when everything gets better, then perhaps it’s time to take off your rose-colored glasses and remember points 5 and 6 from our article...

Fear of paying child support

There are some male representatives who fear that women perceive them solely as sponsors. They don’t want to get married, because the marriage, of course, will quickly fall apart, and for many years the unfortunate victims will have to pay alimony to their child. An incomprehensible conceit allows such specimens to see women exclusively as predators who only want to force them to marry them, and then extract more money from the man for themselves and the child. It doesn’t matter at all where exactly this male fear came from, but in this case it’s better for you not to even try to understand why a man doesn’t want to get married, but just run away from him.

"All the pleasures without a stamp"

Perhaps a man does not want to get married, because for him, in principle, everything is going well without the notorious cliche. He practically lives in an “all-inclusive” mode: you live together in the same territory, you don’t have a headache about breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and there is also such a pleasure as regular sex. It’s you, maybe some kind of biological clock is ticking, and that’s why you want to get married, but everything is fine with him. If you also have a separate budget, then such a thoughtful friend will not rush to get married soon, especially since in marriage, they say, intimacy quickly fades away.

Changing community standards

Of course, a lot depends on your immediate environment. When it suddenly turns out that all the friends from his youth and colleagues are already married, some even managed to have children, the man often moves in the right direction - towards the registry office. But if there are a lot of divorced or confirmed bachelors around, then there is a fear that he will not get ready to get married soon. For what?! After all, he has so many unsuccessful examples before his eyes! Unless you convince him that the same carefree and cheerful life awaits him with you.

Why divorced men don't want to get married

The soul of a man after a divorce is darkness. Do not rush to take at face value all his stories that it was his ex-wife who was to blame for their divorce and discouraged any desire to get married again. An even greater mistake would be to rush to prove to him with all your behavior that you certainly will not hurt his suffering soul. Perhaps behind the words there is a selfish manipulator who lives as he wants, but has no intention of getting married at all.
But it may be that the previous separation was indeed very difficult due to one reason or another - reproaches, scandals, betrayals. And it’s really hard for a man to remarry – what if it all happens again? And if he wants to openly build a relationship with you, talks openly with you about his fears, and at the same time listens to you and your expectations, perhaps it makes sense to listen to his desires too.

Being ready for a serious relationship again after a difficult divorce does not mean rushing headlong into a new love pool. This means gaining new experience that will help you live with new strength, with the understanding that even if a new attempt to get married is unsuccessful, you will still not break, you will remain yourself. And until the realization of his new experience has occurred, the man will not rush (read - get married). And here it is better for a woman to show sensitivity and understanding, otherwise she will deal with blind defense.

10 reasons why rich, successful men don't want to marry for love

Many girls wonder why rich men often choose not the smartest life partners? The answer is simple – that’s exactly what they’re looking for. Why, you ask?

When they decide to "get married" they get married

A man who earns a lot of money thinks differently than the average citizen. If he says “I want to get married,” then, in fact, that’s what he does. Marriage in this case is a goal that a man achieves with the help of available means - spectacular courtship, expensive trips, jewelry seduction, and other alluring attributes of a beautiful life.

This consumer approach saves time

Accustomed to always making profitable deals, the businessman will not go wrong here either. Everyone will get what they want: a small part of what he can give will be enough for the silly girl, and he will receive a young and beautiful body for undivided use.

Efficiency instead of emotions

An effective manager cannot afford to waste time on feelings; he needs to act. Marriage is also an action-based decision. Unfortunately, wealthy men have no time for emotions.

This frees up space for what they consider "more important matters"

When a person loves, he becomes more vulnerable. And a person with money and power cannot afford this. Besides, he has much more important things to do than be distracted by love.

This does not limit external relations

When entering into marriage, a rich man does not want to veto pleasant meetings with other women. Is this possible when so many young beauties choose him as the object of their closest attention?! Wives most often know or guess about everything, but the deal has already been concluded, and on mutually beneficial terms.

They have already given all their love to their work

A rich man gets real pleasure from battles at work - where stock exchange intrigues are woven, partners are baiting, competitors are pressing. This is passion, there is simply no room left in a woman’s heart!

This allows you not to take on the burden of responsibility for your spouse’s emotions.

Optimization is the basis of a reasonable structure of the world. The stupider a woman is, the easier it is to control her and at the same time maintain her independence.

They're looking for a helpful teammate, not a soulmate.

It happens that a successful man is looking for a partner for marriage and therefore wants to get married. True, for some reason he often assigns a woman a supporting role - she can show her “partnership” abilities only when he is a little tired. And since this happens infrequently, the partnership is rather a nominal value in such a marriage.

Love is not the same as the last possible relationship

Rich men cannot risk all the material things they have for the sake of some ephemeral love. Moreover, when it ends, it is quite possible that they will have to say goodbye to some part of their assets.

They don't even know what true love is

Most likely, it is this reason that allows them to so easily do those terrible things that we wrote about above. All that remains is to state that in pursuit of a career and success, these men may not have had time to simply live, feel, enjoy the feeling of closeness with their loved one.

How to understand why your man doesn't want to get married

If you live with a man for a long time, you will probably be able to note whether the following points are present or not in your life:

He categorically does not want to get married and speaks about it out loud and in front of witnesses.
Allows himself to speak condescendingly about married friends.
He doesn’t even want to hear hints about getting married - this makes him angry and irritable.
Intimating you to his plans for the future, he does not include a wedding in them.
He often criticizes you, including in public (perhaps unconsciously in this way he wants to cause a scandal and break off the relationship).

If any of the above is present in your life, this is a serious reason to think about whether you are on the right path with this person? Perhaps it makes sense to no longer wait for the coveted ring, but simply start looking for a more suitable man.

Thank you for reading this article to the end.

Hello, my name is Yaroslav Samoilov. I am an expert in the psychology of relationships and over the years of practice I have helped more than 10,000 girls meet worthy soul mates, build harmonious relationships and return love and understanding to families that were on the verge of divorce.

More than anything, I am inspired by the happy eyes of students who meet the people of their dreams and enjoy a truly vibrant life.

My goal is to show women a way to develop relationships that will help them create a synergy of success and happiness!

You've been together for five years, but your chosen one ignores all hints about the wedding? Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky believes that this is a path to nowhere. And he tells you what to do.

First, let's understand what marriage is. This institution is thousands of years old, and its emergence had nothing to do with love. The concept of love in general arose historically not so long ago - in the Middle Ages. And marriage - it has always been about money, although now we are all accustomed to the fact that a wedding is about love. When a man marries, he takes on the obligation to support his wife and children. Believe me, nothing has changed in thousands of years, and when a couple lives in a so-called civil marriage, this means that the man does not want to be responsible for his woman.

Civil marriage is a myth. Read the Family Code: it only deals with officially registered relationships. So let's call a spade a spade: if you live with a partner who doesn't want to get married and comes up with a thousand excuses, you're just his mistress.

Of course, there are exceptions. For example, your man is a three-time widower. And he is afraid that if he marries you, you will also go to another world. But you must admit, this is extremely rare. In all other cases, if a guy does not want to take responsibility for your life, this means that he has not made the final choice, that he is not confident in either your relationship or his feelings.

So what to do, you ask? A classic female mistake is to sit and wait tensely. Either shed a tear, or say a barb, or opaquely hint: “Well, we were at the Petrovs’, and they were already married...” Pressing, persuading - this is all absolutely wrong, this is the behavior of a victim. This is how women behave who have gotten it into their heads that the world has turned like a wedge on this man.

Someone resorts to cheap manipulations. For example, your lover sees that you have started to look at other men, some correspondence appears, calls seem to be about work... This can blow a man’s mind, and he will run to the registry office in the morning. But I’m not sure that your marriage will last a lifetime: after all, the man did not make the decision himself, but was subjected to emotional blackmail.

Therefore, I propose another way, simple and clear. If you really love your boyfriend and want to have a family, tell him so directly. Option one: he is ready, and he proposes to you. Option two: it turns out that your goals do not coincide. And then you say: “I love you, but I’m leaving you because I want a family, and you can’t give it to me.” Do you know the Comedy Club joke: “No matter how a girl runs, she always runs so that she can be caught”? So, this is not your case. You are leaving for good. This is the behavior of an adult with a strong character who builds his own life.

Here they may ask me: “What if I do this, and the man says - don’t leave, I’ll get married!” If I were you, I wouldn't deal with this person. He has the wrong motivation. In fact, he does not love you, but is simply afraid to be alone.

Another question: how long after the start of a relationship do you wait before you start talking about marriage? This is a question from the “which date to sleep on” series. Whichever one you want. There are no optimal timings. If you feel that you are already ripe for a family, ask a question. The main thing: at this moment you should already be living together. If you are just dating, this is a story about nothing at all.

“What to do if a man doesn’t want to get married? There are no good reasons for this, they meet, everything suits both parties, but they are in no hurry with the proposal, laugh it off and remain silent.”– our beautiful Oksana Chistyakova, the administrator of our VKontakte group and part-time beautiful girl, asks me a question.

Let's look at the situation when a man and woman live together. And they seem to live well. Love each other. They don't quarrel too much. Everything about sex is normal for them.

But when the question of registering a marriage comes up, the man begins to laugh it off, postpones resolving the issue for an indefinite period of time, remains silent or pretends not to hear. Or even begins to push his position on the woman “Why do you need to register a marriage? We already live well. “I love you, but stamping in a passport is outdated and won’t change anything.”.

Why is this happening?

What to do in this situation?

First, let's talk about why this happens? Why doesn't a man want to marry a girl? In principle, I have already written about this more than once, for example in an article, but recently, during consultations and simply in the comments under articles on the site or on my blog, this question is being asked more and more often, so let’s talk about this in more detail.

I will repeat banal things, but the average man does not at all strive so much for a registered marriage. I hope this is not news to you.

Why does a man need marriage? Marriage means certain obligations and a restriction of freedom in the choice of women. (even if the man does not cheat on the girl. This does not fundamentally change anything)

Official marriage is a woman’s rights to joint property.

Marriage is potentially the birth of children. And if the marriage fails, there will be a corresponding need to support them.

Marriage means much greater rights for a woman to communicate with her relatives, friends, etc.

Therefore, I repeat that the average man does not strive to get married at all.

On the other hand, almost all men by the age of 50 have been (or are) in a registered marriage at least once.

Why do they still get married?

The first reason is that a man loves a woman and wants to continue communicating with her and spend the rest of his life together.

But this, of course, is not enough.

The second reason why a man still gets married is that he is afraid of losing this woman if he does not propose marriage.

The third reason is that the man thinks that he will not find a better woman in the event of separation.

The fourth reason is that there are some minimum conditions for starting a family. This is not a required feature. But, nevertheless, usually a man before getting married must:

- reach the approximate ideal age to get married. (25-38 years approximately)

- you must have a place to raise a family (a separate apartment, a separate room with your parents, income to rent an apartment or something similar)

- you and he should be approximately the same social level.

- a man does not have one or two divorces behind him, where he has 2-3 children whom he supports.

Many girls think that if there is love, then they can get married. In fact, simple things like those listed above can greatly slow a man down on his path to marriage. If there is love, for example, but there is nowhere and nothing to live on, then you can meet, love each other, but why get married?

So, let's return once again to why a man does not marry for a long time.

If there is love between a man and a woman and everything is fine, then this is only one, clearly insufficient reason for marriage.

One of the main reasons that a man decides to register a marriage is that, in his opinion, otherwise he will lose the woman. And the second is that, in case of loss, he will not easily find himself a woman approximately the same or better. (He may be VERY deeply mistaken about his value to women, but this is not important in this case)

What to do with male sabotage of marriage registration? What to do when a man doesn't want to get married?

The first thing is don’t delay.

The ideal time to resolve the issue of registering a marriage is approximately 6 months to one year after the start of dating a man.

Previously, there is usually no sense. (This rarely happens)

But the main thing is not to delay!

Dear ladies, do not delay raising the question of marriage. I know a lot of examples when a woman and a man live together for 4-5 years and then separate.

I think it’s clear why there is no need to delay, but I’ll remind you.

First. As the relationship progresses beyond a year, the likelihood of marriage begins to gradually decline. After all, gradually a man and a woman get tired of each other, some claims against each other accumulate, etc. And by the age of 4-5, the probability of registering a marriage does not disappear completely, but is already close to zero.

Second. Waste of time.

After all, let’s say a girl didn’t work out with a man. He leaves her when she issues an ultimatum to register the relationship. And it’s one thing if this happens after a year of relationship. And it’s completely different if after 5 years. In 4-5 years, a girl could easily meet a decent man and get married.

And so it turns out that time passes, and the girl loses this time.

Therefore, never delay with this issue. Set yourself an approximate deadline for resolving the issue of marriage - this is somewhere from six months to 1.5 years. (Not marriage registration, but marriage proposal). And 1.5 years is really the maximum.

Then the conversation got worse and worse. The girl comes to terms with her situation. A man, on the contrary, gets used to the fact that it is quite possible to live without registering a marriage.

Secondly, a conversation with a man must be considered with some probability that he will refuse.

If you think that I or someone else will tell you some magic words, after saying which a man will suddenly understand that he was wrong and will immediately offer you his hand and heart, then I will tell you the opposite.

There are no such words. Moreover, it is usually impossible to convince a man with logic.

Talking about marriage is just an opportunity to gain some certainty in a relationship with a man.

Of course, a man can refuse. I understand that this is not very pleasant. But you need to understand that this is a very likely development of events.

The worst option is when a man refuses essentially, but not directly, but refuses with various excuses.

Eg:

- Well, when we have an apartment, then we can have a wedding.“At the same time, the purchase of an apartment is not planned in the coming months, but only theoretically there are some plans for it. Practically nothing is being done.

- I love you anyway. Why all these formalities?. - Essentially, this is a refusal.

After such a refusal, a girl sometimes thinks that the man does not understand the importance of registering a marriage for her and tries to convince the man. In this case, a lot of time and emotions are lost.

— a wedding is very expensive. Why throw money away when we need to buy a lot.(apartment, car, etc.) - This is also essentially a refusal. Don't think it's anything different.

In other words, don't close your eyes to the truth. Whatever the man says, except “let’s get married soon,” without any conditions in the form of buying something or something else (which is not obviously realized in the very near future), everything else is a refusal.

Third, don’t try too hard to convince a man..

If a man refuses, it means that he refused. In this situation, in fact, the only normal option is to break up with the man and look for another. (Exceptions are when a woman is over 40, has children, and marriage is really secondary)

The second option is to continue living with the man, essentially on his terms. Only then is it stupid to continue trying to convince him that he misunderstood something, that he does not understand your needs, that this, and the fifth, and the tenth.

For example, a man voices excuses:

— A wedding means a lot of money.“And the girl is trying to convince him that he can just sit modestly with his relatives and go to the registry office.”

— You need to buy an apartment first.“And the woman is trying, for example, to convince him that many families start their lives without an apartment and then somehow solve this problem.”

— A wedding and marriage registration is a formality, a piece of paper. “And the woman is trying to convince the man that this is not just a piece of paper or a formality for her.”

Usually this is all useless.

Because a man, in fact, is not as stupid in this matter as he sometimes pretends to be. He understands perfectly well that he does not want the marriage to be registered. He understands perfectly well that all his words and excuses delaying the registration of marriage are a refusal. And it is clear that he will not allow himself to be convinced. Because these are all excuses.

The reason is that he does not want marriage with this particular woman. Or at least he thinks that she will not get away from him, even if he refuses or constantly delays this issue.

Therefore, even if you defeat all his arguments, agree to all his conditions, this will not change anything. Let's say a man says that a wedding is expensive. The woman says let’s not have a wedding at all, the costs are only for registering the marriage, which I will pay for myself. Do you think something will change?

In 99% of cases nothing.

Therefore, it is common to argue, convince, etc. useless.

Fourth, it’s usually the woman who starts the conversation about marriage..

Do you think that a man will offer his hand and heart without any pressure from you? This happens, but rarely enough, no matter what movies, friends, etc. tell you about this matter.

Who needs? Marriage registration is more necessary for women. (With the exception of a certain number of cases, of course)

I repeat that there is no need to humiliate yourself. No need to beg. There is no need to threaten to break up, etc. A man who has lived with you for a year or more already understands everything perfectly.

Just tell him calmly that registering the relationship is important to you. And let him run further and offer you his hand and heart. Well, if not, then read above. It's easier to find someone else.

That's probably all there is to it.

The main thing is to decide to talk. And if there is a refusal, in any form, then break up with the man and look for another. If this situation is constant for you, then you need to change something in yourself. Work on self-esteem, parenting programs, etc. You can read more in my books in our online store by following the link or find out during.

In general, this is one of the moments in a relationship where a woman needs to show initiative, some kind of determination, courage and firmness.

Otherwise, I repeat, a sad situation can happen when a girl lived with a man for 5 years and then they quietly separated with a lot of mutual claims against each other, caused by the fact that the woman is dissatisfied and offended that the man did not marry her.

It is better for a woman to leave such a man earlier. Even a wedding and then a divorce is better than losing a few years and lowering your self-esteem.

Best regards, Rashid Kirranov.

Best regards, Rashid Kirranov.

The manner of some men to run away from formalizing a relationship with a woman (even a sincerely loved one) has literally become the stuff of jokes.

“I will never marry you, I’d rather eat my passport in front of the registry office!”- is sung in one song. And in many films and TV series, situations of open avoidance by men of women seeking marriage often emerge. What is this?

If we turn to the natural world, then already at this level we understand that men and women have partly different tasks. For a male, to fertilize as many females as possible. For a female - give birth, feed, raise. It would seem that then everything is simple - only women need marriage, and the man simply “agrees” to certain restrictions for the sake of possessing the one he really likes. However, not everything comes down to instincts, and even among animals there are monogamous unions.

At the level of human society, a stamp in a passport really provides a woman with a set of social guarantees, without which it is difficult to raise a child. At the very least, women more often hope that formalizing the relationship will help their partner take on more responsibility. Whether these expectations are justified or not is another question. But it has been noticed that men are actually more often visited by the desire (conscious or not) to retain freedom of choice, even if they do not seriously use it. But all this is intertwined within the human world with calculation, and with sanity, and with. Therefore, to say that the majority of men do not really need marriage is to greatly simplify the real state of affairs.

But let's talk about those who delay the moment of entering the registry office for one reason or another. And here I can roughly identify three groups of men.

Eternal wanderers. At one place they are bored with life, the sedentary life of a simple man in the street does not attract them. As a rule, they do not need a stable circle of relatives and acquaintances at all; they are eternal researchers and discoverers, and professionally these traits of their character are often in demand. After all, somewhere do you need to hire those who will constantly be traveling on business trips and expeditions? But attaching such a man to a stable life is almost impossible. And he quite consciously does not go to any marriage, because he well understands that 70% of the time he will not be at home, and the time he will be there he will need in order to be alone and accumulate strength before storming new heights. At the same time, serious romances happen in their lives, but as soon as the romance takes a matrimonial turn, the man disappears. And he has one more reason: such a wanderer does not need children. He soberly understands that they will prevent him from enjoying life, and in these attitudes he can be quite cold and calculating.

Very often, such men turn out to be very attractive to women - strong, free, independent, they often resemble a certain archetype of a male who is able to capture a woman’s imagination at the level of instincts. However, there is another side: one’s own path, self-realization comes first for such a man. And the family, even if it arises, will have only one option for existence - following the “leader” into any troubles that he decides to get into.

Rosa, 36 years old, has been in love with such a man for 10 years. Marat, her peer, a pilot, chose his profession out of conviction; he himself admitted that he always needed fresh impressions, new people, a constant change of places. For about five years their relationship was “off-and-on.” Desperate to achieve a lasting relationship, Rose risked giving birth. At first, Marat reacted with joy to the birth of the child, succumbing to her persuasion. They lived more or less calmly for a year. From each flight he returned home. However, a year later everything returned to normal. Sometimes, after two or three flights, he disappears again for several months. When Rosa tries to ask Marat what’s going on, it almost always turns out that it’s unscheduled flights, advanced training, mastering new equipment. Perhaps this is true, because Marat never hid that planes and travel are much more interesting to him than family and women in general. And perhaps Rosa is not the only constant woman with Marat.

What to do? Breaking and changing the character of such a man is an unrealistic task. Marriage with such a person is suitable for a woman who is determined to constantly change partners and does not strive for fidelity, and therefore will turn a blind eye to betrayals and absences, and the most important thing for her will be the friendly component of marriage rather than the romantic one. Or, as an option, a woman who is ready to follow a man in all his adventures and, in fact, devote her life to his goals, his realization, turning a blind eye to his “liberties” for other reasons and feelings.

As a rule, women who fall firmly in love with such men have a whole complex of psychological attitudes coming from childhood, which I wrote about in detail. Here I just want to say that if a woman is attracted to such men, but at the same time she really wants a stable relationship and a settled life, it makes sense to reconsider the whole complex of psychological attitudes and problems. And then there will be a chance to meet a person more inclined to constancy.

Or, if you are stubbornly drawn to just such men, then perhaps you yourself are inclined to take liberties, to live without special obligations, are greedy for adventures of all kinds, and are unconsciously looking for the same partner, but at the same time, the attitudes of society and parents on an unconscious level prohibit you have to be like that, and you try to want the “correct” and “worthy” happiness. But happiness comes in different forms, and this is also worth remembering. And, coming across such men, without receiving stability from them in a general sense, you should first of all ask yourself - what do I really want?

But let's get back to the men.

Traumatized. This group includes men who have already had experience of marriage, and it was extremely unsuccessful according to the man’s own assessments. He could go into such a marriage sincerely, being, but then he suffered a rather painful disappointment. And it happens that his reluctance to get married is akin to a superstition: “you just have to put a stamp in your passport and the relationship is over.” He draws this conclusion, of course, on the basis of previous experience. Proving to such a man that you are no match for your first wife often means destroying your self-esteem. Because, in fact, such a proof can be likened to the classic “I am not a camel.” It is useless to swear that you will not do something that some stranger and unknown person (the first wife) did; besides, it looks especially stupid if you did not intend to do such a thing.

What should a woman do? The cure here is sometimes a certain disinterest. Do not prove anything, do not ask, do not compare anyone in your favor. Value yourself and your goals. If you understand that you really want to get married, have children, and with him, calmly make it clear that you have such desires. That you appreciate and love him and will wait until he is ready. But not forever. It makes sense to convey the latter as gently and calmly as possible, without ultimatums. At the same time, you can emphasize that you are ready to give him devotion and fidelity, and really want to hope that the wait will not be eternal.

At the same time, if you help him reconsider past grievances, this can also help him achieve what he wants. But before you assign your man to this category, I propose to consider another one, which includes all other men. Moreover, the motives described below are often found in all men, whether they have had experience of marriage or not, whether they are inclined to constantly change places and partners or not, nevertheless, these are the main reasons why a man rejects marriage.

Doubters. Almost all other men can be included in this category, who understand perfectly well that it is easier to live together, they are prone to stable feelings, or, at a minimum, they are driven by good calculation and common sense.

And here we can draw a general rule: a man does not want to go to the registry office because he is not completely sure of the correctness of his choice. And on an unconscious level, his “panic button” goes off: don’t! What if someone better meets? What if something more significant is ahead?

As a rule, two or three years of relationships and living together provide a comprehensive picture of a partner, and by this time the initial “chemistry” weakens, revealing the true vectors of feelings and affection. And if by this moment the man has not made up his mind, then he will have to honestly admit to himself: he does not want to take responsibility and give you at least some guarantees. Everything else is excuses.

After all, for his own reasons, a man also needs marriage - on an unconscious level, he wants to “stake out territory” in the eyes of society, to announce to everyone: “this woman is mine!” This is how his possessive instinct manifests itself. And, at the same time, experiencing affection and feelings for a woman, a man tells others that he is happy, and his chosen one is worth it for him to take such a responsible step. To this are added issues of status, and issues of everyday life, property, joint birth and upbringing of children. All this cannot be dismissed as something that a man supposedly doesn’t need at all.

And if a man refuses to marry, then it’s worth taking a closer look at the chosen one: perhaps he simply considers you as a “passing option”?

Of course, here, too, perhaps all is not lost. I have often seen situations where a man simply could not clearly express to a woman that he was not happy with something in the relationship. And he often thought that by postponing marriage, he would give himself and his partner time to solve this problem. How can you solve a problem without talking about it or identifying it? In the process of couples psychotherapy with such couples, we were able to reach the real causes of discontent and solve them. And it turned out that everything was fine with the chosen one, and marriage became a reality.

There is one more point regarding children. Perhaps a man does not want to go to the registry office only because he is not ready to become a father. And he is afraid to admit this to the woman he sincerely loves - he will offend her best feelings. And so he tries to delay the situation. Sometimes this works out successfully.

Danila, 42 years old, became a father at 35 years old. He met his wife a long time ago, when both were not yet thirty. They worked and arranged their lives. After two years of living together, Sophia (his wife now) started talking about marriage. Danila boiled down all his counterarguments to one thing: “We already live well, why do you need this?” Sophia guessed what the reason was, but, being busy with her career, she was in no hurry to have children. And being a smart woman, I decided not to rush into marriage and not to insist. At 33, Danila himself started talking about the child. And he himself invited her to marry him. Then he admitted: “I would not have been able to take the role of a father seriously then, I was not ready for it. That’s why I didn’t want to go to the registry office - I was afraid that formalizing the relationship would push Sophia to plans to give birth,” now they have a 7-year-old son and a two-year-old daughter.

Indeed, for men, the age of conscious desire for fatherhood comes much later than for women - as a rule, after 30, and more often even closer to 40. Before this age, a man has little idea of paternal functions, and, as a rule, agrees to have a child, but very rarely he himself initiates the birth of children.

What to do? Don't rush. If he is not sure, but does not run from you, perhaps he just needs time to make sure that he made the right choice and mature to his own decision. You should try to openly clarify those points that may not suit a man in your relationship. Perhaps he simply does not find the words or the moment to talk about it.

As a psychologist, I do not consider it normal for a woman to literally persuade a man to get married. Instinctive patterns of behavior have been built up in us over centuries; they should not be thrown away. And the “rules of the game” have always been the same - the man offers, the woman either accepts the offer or not. Responsibility for the family can be demanded from a man only when it was his choice and his initiative. Otherwise, there is a risk that he will subsequently shift all responsibility onto the woman.

And one last thing. If a man proposes marriage too quickly, this is also an alarming symptom. After all, men have different attitudes towards marriage - some believe that he is really taking some kind of responsible step, while others think that he has put a stamp and erased it, no big problem. And in a conversation it is worth paying attention to how a person talks about marriage, what meaning he puts into this word. After all, there are many who, having “played” at a fun wedding, consider the concert over and the obligations unnecessary.

The appearance of a child in a family is definitely a transition of the family to a new level. This is not comparable to planning a vacation or choosing a car. And many women in such a situation, in order to feel more confident and calm, would like to formalize their relationship.

From a psychological point of view, it is not so important whether the spouses have a stamp in their passport if both partners are satisfied with their situation and feel comfortable in a civil marriage. The main thing is that the family is harmonious. For a child in a civil marriage, the main thing is loving parents and peace in the family, even during his intrauterine development. If both of the couple really don’t want “officialdom,” then it’s better to leave everything as it is. True, before the birth of a child in a civil marriage, it is better to discuss legal issues with your husband: the child’s surname, where to register him, etc.

However, if a woman suddenly understands: I want to get married, but the man doesn’t want to get married, the couple faces a difficult choice.

Why do women want to get married?

First of all, you need to understand why a woman wants to get married. There may be several reasons:

Dream of a beautiful holiday. For many girls, a wedding is proof of a man's love. Let the celebration be modest, but with a white dress, surrounded by loved ones and friends. And then, it’s nice to feel like a beautiful bride in the spotlight.
Family education. Most women from childhood absorb the idea that children should be born in an official marriage. And even if they live in a civil union, they still expect to register their marriage in the future, especially if pregnancy has already occurred.
Rights of a child in a civil marriage. Many women believe that the rights of a child in a civil marriage are violated.
Status. After marriage, many girls develop inner pride from the realization of the fact: I’m married! And this gives the woman “weight” in her husband’s family. For example, in the event of a conflict situation with his relatives, no one will dare to say to her: “Who are you here?” If the marriage is formalized, then she will answer: “I am his wife.” And this is an argument! And phrases like “I am his common-law wife” will generate answers: “We know such wives, today one, tomorrow another.”
Convenience in the social sphere. If a woman has a child in a civil marriage, she often experiences discomfort when communicating with the administration in kindergartens, schools, social security agencies and other official bodies. In such cases, they constantly require some additional certificates and confirmations, the collection of which takes time and effort. A stamp in your passport eliminates such bureaucratic red tape.

A woman should remember or write down those arguments regarding official marriage that are important to her. They will be useful to her when talking with her husband.

Why don't men want to get married?

So why don't men want to get married? It must be said that there are men who actively resist registering a marriage for objective reasons. As a rule, this is associated with psychological trauma.

First reason– failed marriage of parents (divorce or “life in scandals”). A child who experienced a similar situation in childhood may decide for himself: it is better not to get married than to exist like his parents. And he delays the wedding moment as long as possible, driven by the thought that after this discord will begin in his personal life, i.e. he believes that this is how he “saves” his relationship!

The second reason- unsuccessful own official marriage, ending in divorce.

Third reason– lack of self-confidence, in one’s ability to provide for a family (or remain interesting to one’s already legal wife, become a good father, fear of change).

Reason four- alas, he is not sure of his choice.

What to do if a man does not want to get married?

Here a lot depends on the woman herself, on her wisdom and tact. First of all, you need to know your man, find out the true motives for his reluctance to go to the registry office. And this is not an easy task, since men often do not understand this themselves. But if the couple has a trusting relationship, there is a chance to find the necessary information from the stories of your other half about family, friends, dreams and plans. Perhaps he will agree to go to a family psychologist to jointly understand the reasons for his wife’s dissatisfaction and his commitment to the idea of a civil marriage. The main thing here is to be patient and attentive to your partner and his feelings. There is no need to interrogate. When the reasons why a man clings to his “freedom” become clear, then one can imagine how to behave in order to improve the situation in the family.

It is not that rare that pregnancy occurs before the couple reaches the registry office. In this case, a woman often hopes that expecting a baby will push her partner to take a decisive step. But if this does not happen, and she really wants to receive a marriage proposal, then she should properly prepare for the conversation.

How to come to an agreement if you are pregnant

First you need to calm down and tune in to a calm wave. Say to yourself: “I am expecting a child from a loved one, and this in itself is happiness. I don’t yet know whether he will propose to me or not, but I know for sure that I want to preserve our relationship. I love him and he is dear to me. Therefore, I will not put pressure on him and blackmail him with pregnancy.” If the future dad reacted positively to the news of the replenishment, this is already a positive factor. A good, smooth relationship with a partner, his support is what every expectant mother needs. And now - an approximate outline of the conversation.

Choose a time and place. A man should not be tired or immersed in any worries. You can wait for an “excuse”, for example, a report about someone’s wedding on TV, but this is not at all necessary. And do not say in advance (for example, on the phone during the day) that you would like to talk about an important topic in the evening. This will make the man wait for the conversation with tension.
Start a conversation. The beginning is very important. Think about what you will say, but avoid a long introduction. For example, you can start like this: “We once talked about legitimizing our relationship. I would like to return to this topic."
The basis is your relationship. During this conversation, the most important thing is to say that you would like to see him as your partner in life. Talk about feelings for him, about trust. There is no need to focus on future paternity; in this case, this is a “weak” argument, because he can be a full-fledged father even in a situation of an unconcluded marriage. A child living in a civil marriage receives the same fatherly love as in an official one.
Prepare your arguments in advance. A man who does not want to get married will certainly ask what exactly changes the stamp in the passport. You will have to tell why formalizing your marriage is so important to you. This is where writing down notes about why a marriage is important to you comes in handy.
Don't rush! You need to end the conversation on a positive note. Give your husband time to think, emphasizing that although marriage is very important to you, you respect any decision he makes. And be prepared to wait. It’s best until he brings up the topic again.

So the man with whom you live in a civil marriage will receive an impulse that will make him reconsider his views. For some couples, this charge comes from the possibility of purchasing housing together, in others it comes from job prospects open only to married employees, while for others parents or friends help them make a decision. The most important thing is to choose the right “key”.

Carefully! Often women begin to get offended, insist, and start scandals on the topic “I’m pregnant, I want to get married.” And thus they not only fail to achieve their goal, but also lose their partner.

The only path a woman should not take, no matter how strong her desires, is manipulation, deception and coercion. Of course, each case is individual, but if a woman wants a happy, harmonious relationship, she will need a thoughtful attitude towards her potential legal spouse. After all, even if for some reason he categorically does not want to get married officially, this does not mean that he does not love you or will be a bad dad. This is not at all true; often in a civil marriage, a man and a woman take their relationship very seriously, and such a union is in no way inferior to a registered one. So first, understand yourself by deciding whether official marriage is really necessary for you? Perhaps this is just an established social tradition, which is given too much attention in our society, and you can be happy without the notorious stamps in your passport? And it is quite possible to solve legal problems in other ways (for example, by registering part of the jointly acquired property in your name). The main thing is that harmony, respect, trust and, of course, love for each other reign in your couple!

When should you not get married?

When there is a situation “either we get married or we separate.” In this case, perhaps the second option is better, since misunderstandings most likely have accumulated in the relationship, and a wedding will not erase it.
When there are many obvious conflicts in a relationship that need to be resolved. Resolve conflicts first, and then you can think about the wedding.
When less than six months have passed since the meeting and the beginning of the relationship (or better yet, a year). There may not be enough time to get to know each other.

What they write on

My husband and I got married a week before going on maternity leave. He was 40 and I was 31 when we met him. There was no special reason to get married. But six months later I became pregnant. At first they didn’t want to change anything, but closer to the birth they decided that children should be born in a legal marriage. It will be very difficult to explain to a growing child why something in his family is different from others. But this is our opinion. And then, from the point of view of the law, the rights of the child and mother are protected only in the case of legal marriage. Now in the Family Code there is no such concept as civil marriage.

As a result, there have already been cases when an accident happened to a common-law husband (he died), and the wife could not even live in the apartment, since it was registered in the name of her husband, although it was acquired during their cohabitation. I don’t want to scare anyone, but we need to think about children right away.

My husband and I have been living in a civil marriage for 6 years now, and I don’t see anything unnatural in this. The main thing is that there is harmony between you. And the conversation about marriage began to arise only now, when he found out that he would be a daddy.

And if we do this, it will be only for the sake of our baby. And so, I think, everything is God’s will, but numerous relatives tortured me with questions. At first I was also shy, but then I thought - I don’t have to explain anything to anyone, and if it’s good for us, then so be it.